deepuniverse

hi, I miss C so much.. Now she's M, not C, actually..

But I still miss him.

And I still cry when I talk about him.

Why did he tell me to kill myself? And why did he call my mother after I told him that I would do that? Is this not what he wanted?

My therapist told me that I still cry because I'm still in pain. And I'm in pain. I miss her.

I wish I had died that day, so I wouldn't be in pain now.

I've never missed someone that much. What's happening with me? I've never cared that much about someone.

I just wish that all of this would go away.

Sometimes, I think about him in class, and I try to hold my tears, but they still fall a little bit.

Why do I miss him that much?

I wanna feel again.

I wanna hurt myself again.

All of that hurts.

I can feel pain if I hurt myself.

hi, im here again.

im doing fine, well, not THAT fine but better than before. today my friend (the one that i said before, ill call him C) and my cousin visited me today, and i loved that but, i just wanted more time to spend with them....

but it was amazing, i talked a lot and spent time with them.

now i have to go to the church but i dont want to.

hi, i know, i disappeard, but i have a good reason. a lot of shit happened in my life and, this is being like, the worst MONTH of the year.. or the worst YEAR in my life. i feel lonely, i feel like i have no friends, i feel depressed, i feel lost, i feel terrible, i feel alone, i feel like shit, i feel like dying. every time i feel like crying, i can't take it anymore.

i'm putting pressure on myself because of the high school, and because of my IT course, and because of my english course, and i feel that i want to die.

i miss having friends because i made some this year, i wish i hadn't, because now i feel like everyone hates me, and that i should stay away from them, and then just die in my room. i hate everything and everyone now.

i hate my parents, i hate my school, i hate my friends(?idk if they are my friends), i hate my classmates, i hate every single piece of Earth. but i cant hate him. he's the one that i should hate the most but i do not hate him. i cried yesterday because of him, i cried today because of him. and so i'll tomorrow. i know that he lies to me, but i still want him. because he was the one that was here for me, to listen to my thoughts, my feelings, my worst nightmares, and so i did to him, not the way i wanted, but i did. he was the one who was really here for me. and no one did that for me.

i wanna try to kill myself again. i really want. i shouldn't, but i want. if i do, i'll miss them.

now a song that reminds me of him, because he showed that music to me and it was like us.

A poem in brazilian portuguese that i wrote for a valentine's day at my school but it never happened, so im posting it here with the translation below.


As Ondas do Mar

Uma vez eu estava no mar
Uma vez nadei no mar e te encontrei
Uma vez que te achei
Eu nunca mais larguei

Tive a impressão que você queria voltar
Então para não te deixar
Fui até a ponta com você
Mas lá você quis ficar

Então, as ondas te levaram
Eu gritei, mas você afundou
Você não voltou.

Uma vez procurei no mar, você
Uma vez nadei no mar e te perdi
Uma vez que não te achei
Uma vez eu me perdi

Isso é sobre uma vez
Uma vez onde você sentia dor
De uma vez em que você voltou para lá
E até hoje procuro você
Mas sei que como uma vez
Não irá voltar outra vez.

-------------------------------
The Waves of the Sea

Once I was at sea
I once swam in the sea and found you
Once I found you
I never let go

I got the impression you wanted to come back
So not to leave you
I went to the tip with you
But there you wanted to stay

Then the waves took you
I screamed but you sank
You didn't come back.

I once looked in the sea, for you
I once swam in the sea and lost you
Once that I didn't find you
Once I got lost

This is about once
Once where you felt pain
Once you went back there
And to this day I look for you
But I know that as once
Won't come back again.

Its the first time im using this website. Soon ill share some stuff, about what exactly i want this to be.