im not welcome.

[deepuniverse]

i dont feel welcome inside my own home. i feel like i dont deserve to eat or to ask my parents something to me. i feel like i cant tell them what ive been thinking.

they have shown me that they dont like me. they hate me. they dont want me around.

and ive been treating my sisters like trash. even if though i learned that thats wrong.

i learned that screaming with them or hitting them was the right way, but the internet showed me that this was the reason im so afraid of my parents and afraid to ask them for anything. thats why i dont want to have children. i dont want them to feel the way i do. like i deserve to starve, die or suffer because im not what they wanted me to be.

i wish i was a girl. a cisgender, straight girl. i wanted to wear feminine clothes and more makeup. i wanted to like the idea of long and straight hair. i wanted to be pretty, a pretty, feminine girl.

but theres no way i could be like that. im a freak.

i wanted to finally be free. i wanted to finally be who i am. but i cant, and i dont even know where to begin.

im just thinking about eating until i explode, but im afraid of eating a single slice of bread.

ill never be okay.